About an hour a go my brother FaceTimed me. He, like me is a Brit living in North America too, but two plane rides away. My brother and I have a good relationship and I get on extremely well with his wife. It’s not unusual for them to FaceTime me at the weekend, as they did today. After listening to me ramble on for ten minutes about the noisy neighbours we have they announced that they had news, there are expecting!! This will be their first baby and the first grandchild on my side of the family. It’s my brother, I’m obviously absolutely delighted for him and my sister-in-law. His kindness and patience amongst so many other qualities will make him an amazing father. I seriously can’t wait to be an auntie. They are well aware that Sam and I have been having difficulty, and I told them if and when the time came that they fell pregnant not to sugar coat my feelings. I would want to know. I know they must have been anxious about calling me, I feel for them, it can’t have been easy. Through my wishes of congratulations I was holding back tears. I didn’t want to show them I was in any way feeling sad, this is their moment and I want them to be able to feel the wonder and excitement and not have to worry about my problems and feelings.
I truly am delighted and excited. But of course, my heart breaks for the baby that I want so badly. I feel guilty for that. The moment FaceTime ended I burst into tears. Infertility is such a silent pain, hidden in the shadows where no-one can see your anguish and suffering. What gives me a small piece of comfort is knowing that there are so many women out there that have gone through this experience too, the doctors visits, the anxious waiting and the pregnancy announcements coming left, right and centre. But many do now have their little bundles of joy. I just hope I’m going to be one of them too.