Late night sobbing

Sam and I were chatting last night about a couple we know and how the husband has a new job. Sam asked me a question about them (I can’t even remember what) but I responded with, ‘oh that won’t matter as she will be on maternity leave by then’. The comment stung  in my throat and made me feel completely unsettled for the rest of the evening. I carried on as normal, made dinner, watched a film but as we lay in bed and were beginning to settle down for the night I just started to cry. And cry and cry and cry. I soaked my pillow and face with tears. Sam did his best to soothe me. I don’t even need to speak the words of how I feel, he knows why I’m crying and what I want.

I just want to know if I’m ever going to get my baby. I want a crystal ball that tells me yes it will happen it just might take a couple more years, or no its never ever going to happen for you. The unknown is becoming unbearable. No amount of wishing is going to magic my baby here, although I deeply wish it would.

Today, I have a heavy feeling in my head, something which always happens after a huge cry like that. No period yet, I’m at day 106 of this cycle. I just want to get back to the UK now so we can get moving on the Doctor/IVF route as my body is clearly not going to do anything naturally. I just need to keep playing the waiting game for now.