The last 74 days

This is an extremely overdue post. Christmas has come and gone and we are already approaching mid-February. I haven’t blogged as I have tried to switch off for a while from the trying to conceive journey. It’s not that I haven’t been thinking about it, I don’t think its something I can ever not at least have at the back of my mind, but much like I felt before Christmas, I have found the thought of writing down how I feel difficult as it means confronting it head on. I just wanted to pretend that it wasn’t happening and stick my head in the sand. Over Christmas it definitely worked, I was back in the UK with my family having a lovely time. Since then I’ve come back to the US and made it my resolution to get out and do more things and make myself happy. Its working to some extent, I’m enjoying my time here a million times more than I did last year. But the niggle is always there.

The statistics on the matter are I haven’t had a period in 74 days. The last one I had was a pill induced period on December 1st following the failure of the fertility treatment. Almost every week I get egg white cervical mucus. Back in December I thought this was a great sign that the diet was working and that I was going to ovulate. It wasn’t, and I haven’t. I think its just classic PCOS, my body is at times gearing up to try and ovulate but just not managing to get there. I’m still doing a low GI diet, although not as strictly as I was before, I’m allowing myself some treats here and there and the odd glass of wine. Whilst I was back in the UK I went to the GP to get it on record that I have been diagnosed with PCOS and that we are having trouble conceiving. I gave them all my test results to put on their system. The GP wanted to re-run some blood tests and also did a blood sugar fasting test. Everything came back as expected and they said I don’t have a problem with blood sugar or insulin resistance but my testosterone was higher than normal, apparently to be expected when you have PCOS. I’ve been referred to the Gynaecologist but have to put that on hold until we move back to the UK, hopefully later on this year. I’ve decided once and for all not to pursue anymore fertility treatment whilst we are in the US. There is of course the financial aspect, we have had to pay for everything ourselves, but also because there is such a small chance of it working. The likelihood is Dr M will give me less drug, but I will still react in the same way I did last time, too many eggs. I think for my own well-being I need to not do anything now and wait until we are back in a health system which I understand much better and have the support of my family around me.

I went to see the movie Hidden Figures the other day. Great movie!! In one scene one of the main character’s little girls draws a picture of her in a rocket. I sobbed in the cinema at this thinking to myself, what if no little person ever draws a picture of me? What if Sam and I do end up just the two of us? No first steps, family Christmas, school plays, family holidays, birthdays? I want sleepless nights. I want all the mundane tasks of being a mum. Cooking and cleaning. Bath time. Story time. Parents evenings. Homework. Dance classes. Football practice. Being a taxi service. Exams. Putting someone else’s needs above my own always. I’m trying to stay positive and hope for our miracle as its all I can do, but I am faced with the question that even when we do move back to the UK and do IVF, what if it doesn’t happen for us?


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